What is the key to confidence?

As someone who used to be so terrified to talk to girls that instead of going to school dances I stayed home and played World of Warcraft instead, let me give you a little insight about confidence (and how it is acquired):

Confidence takes practice.

As much as you think that some people are “born” confident and others “aren’t,” the truth is that confidence is just like every other trait: humility, humor, joy, stress, anger, disappointment, etc.

These traits are not inherent. Some are more pre-wired than others, sure, but that doesn’t mean these emotions are not practicable. To be forgiving or to be angry is often a choice. To be open or to be closed is a choice. To be aware or to be destructive is a choice.

Being confident is a choice.

That said, you don’t just wake up and then say, “I am now going to choose to be confident, and joyful, and open, and hilarious, and yay, now I’m all those things.”

It doesn’t work that way.

However, what you can do is decide what traits (confidence included) you want to work toward being a more concrete part of your personality, and then making tiny steps each day to implement those traits into who you are.

If you want to be confident, you have to practice being confident.

So, what would a confident person do?

They’d go talk to that person they’re interested in.

They’d walk into a room and introduce themselves.

They’d pursue their dreams and not worry about what anyone thought of them.

So those are the things you need to practice doing as well.

Next time you’re in an elevator with someone and you want to say hi, take the leap and say hi. The first time you’ll be terrified. The second time you’ll still be terrified. The twenty-eighth time you’ll be terrified. And then eventually you won’t be anymore—for no other reason than because you practiced it.

Just like any other skill in the world, you have to practice it if you want to improve.

Start practicing.

Can hard work beat intelligence?

Hard work will always beat intelligence, only if intelligence doesn’t work hard enough.

And this is a good thing.

Most intelligent people don’t work hard enough, they become complacent and feel entitled in their own bubble of superiority.

I’ve seen it so many times.

I’m a loser, but at least I know I’m smart. So I got that going on for me.

You cannot control how intelligent or gifted you are. What is intelligence? The ability to memorize a book word by word? Or the ability to rationalize and be creative in order to create new models for the world? It’s debatable and the IQ tests that make you match cubes and triangles are no clear predictors of what your actual “intellect” is capable of accomplishing.

What you can control instead is how hard you work. This is where you need to excel, if you create an outstanding work ethic for you that will compound over time, you will get further than any person who just bets the whole farm on their intelligence.

You might be outsmarted, but you cannot be outworked.

Will Smith said the following in an interview once:

“You might be faster than me, you might be better looking than me, you might be more talented than me, you might beat me in 9 out of 10 categories. But if we get on the treadmill together, there’s two things that can happen: You either get off first or I’m gonna die.”

The same applies for intelligence. Adversity and obstacles are the elements that create experiences and memories to know how to tackle situations better next time. A muscle grows only if it’s subjected to contractions.

If you are smart and you don’t encounter these obstacles in your path eventually you will be left behind by the people who decided to put in 150% more than you. Some smart people even make the mistake of only pursuing opportunities they know they can conquer, they fear losing their highest sense of validation, their superior brains.

I once met a guy in his 40’s who told me that when he was a kid he achieved a high enough score (around 148 IQ) to join Mensa. After a bad experience he had in his childhood, he took the IQ test 10 years later and his IQ dropped to 135. He then told me that from that day on he never took an IQ test ever again because he was afraid to see his number go down. Also he made sure never to go again through situations that challenged him in order to preserve his mental health.

Now I don’t know about you but that just sounds ridiculous. I would rather burn my brains out living an exciting life, working hard for my dreams and getting challenged everyday in order to build a life I want even if I get Alzheimer in my 60’s instead of just living comfortably until I’m 90 to preserve my IQ.

Bobby Fischer was a chess prodigy. When he beat everyone in the US he started learning Russian and reading their chess magazines in order to learn their moves so that later he could beat them in international championships.

That’s when intelligence also meets hard work.

You cannot have it all, but you can achieve a lot if you just put in the extra mile.

“Working hard beats being smart. Working smart beats working hard.”

Do you see what the common denominator is in both these sentences?

Work.

There is no way around it.

How do I stop thinking about someone who is not going to be in my life?

You need to (a) accept that they are not going to be a part of your life, (I suspect you haven’t yet), and (b) focus on something else.

If you focus on what you can’t have, you will just feel more of your ‘un-blessedness’ so you need to focus on your blessings.

Why not try some mindfulness work?

You cannot stop loving someone even though it is unrequited. If it is just lust, staying away will help. If you love the other person truly, then that love will never fade. Just accept that she/he doesn’t want you in her/his life anymore and stay away from that person.

May be time and distance will help both of you to realize what you both mean to each other. Till then stay away, otherwise you will be hurt so much. Time doesn’t heal anything. It just teaches you to live with that pain.

True love will never go away and you cannot forget that person. But remember that if things are to happen, they will realize someday. I am still crying as I write this one, because I know how much it hurts to be ignored by the one who means a lot to me. Save yourself from that pain.

And don't tell me he /she is the only one.

He / she is not God.

Trust me on this 

What are some things you realize as you get older?

1. You realize that the older you are, the more you have left to learn. Nothing new surprises you.
2. You only retain 1–2% of anything people teach you in school or in books.
3. Experiences are more valuable than goods
4. Who your spouse will be is the most important career decision you will ever make.
5. Three skills to money: Making it, Keeping it, Growing it. They are very different skills.
6. Having kids is horrible. But having kids is wonderful.
7. Sleeping eight hours a day is really important. Regardless of the scientific reason.
8. Eat smaller portions. Every year you live, reduce portion size.
9. Try really hard to not care what people think. This is too hard for me but I’m learning.
10. Business is about creating value. No value = no profits = no business. Don’t believe your own hope.
11. Google people before you meet them.
12. Ask questions at a rate of 10:1 of giving answers.
13. Pretend everyone is your child and he/she is about to die tomorrow. Then you will listen and be nice.
14. Anger is not a real emotion. It is fear clothed. Figure out what you are afraid of before you get angry.
15. The atoms of our lives are stories.
16. Reinvent every five years.
17. Try to be creative once a day. Creativity is a muscle. There’s no such thing as inspiration. You can’t life a huge weight by inspiration alone.
18. Gratitude and complaining/blaming can’t exist in the same brain at the same time.
19. All diets are BS. Avoid processed sugars. Eat less.
20. When you read, you can absorb the entire life of another person in a few days. Might as well read a lot.
21. Happiness = Reality / Expectations
22. The 5/25 rule. List the 25 things you want to do in life. Separate out the 5 most important from the other 20. NEVER look at the other 20 again. They are only distractions.
23. Napping is fun.
24. Sex is a painkiller. And as you get older, sex is better.
25. War is never justified.
26. Ability is 99 parts skill, one part talent. Talent is the ignition and skill is the oil.
27. The only math you need is: add/divide/multiply in your head. And basic probability and statistics and percentages.
28. Watch a lot of comedy. Try to watch comedy every day. Laughter cures diseases.
29. If someone’s feet is angled away from you while they talking to you then they don’t want to talk to you.
30. Alexander the Great doesn’t care (right now) that Alexandria was named after him.
31. The Bible, The Bbhavagad Gita, Buddha, The Koran, Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, are all the same book.
32. If you are ok at one thing and ok at another thing then you can be the best in the world at the intersection.
33. When you write, pretend you are talking to someone bored and you are trying to keep them interested sentence by sentence.
34. When bored…do what you are most scared of or embarrassed by…in bed.
35. Insecurity is good. Confidence is porn.
36. This is a job: You create X in value: Your boss takes 10% of that. The company takes 10% of that. Taxes take 40% of what’s left. Housing takes 1/3 of what’s left. Eating, commuting, one vacation a year, clothes, takes almost all of what’s left. Which is why we most people have no savings.
37. Isaac Newton created Calculus. But also believed in Alchemy. You can’t be smart if you don’t do a lot of stupid things.
38. Richard Branson started Virgin Air by putting up a sign when his plane was cancelled, selling tickets. He used the money raised from the tickets to rent an airplane. You can start an airline like that also.
39. NYC had a huge environmental problem in the 1890s. The city was going to be buried by manure. No technology that existed could solve the problem. 20 years later cars solve the problem. Don’t try to solve every problem today.
40. Quantity is more important than quality. Quality is a byproduct of quantity. Picasso created 50,000 words of art.
41. The fewer things you own, the fewer things own you.
42. The more good things you do, the more people will hate you (but reverse not always true).
43. If you meet someone who you know hates you, shake their hand, smile, and pretend you don’t remember their name.
44. The prequels were not as bad as you think. Don’t be a generational elitist.
45. Nobody knows how World War I was started. Nobody remembers when Charlemagne was born. History books are just one slice of facts and we can only eat so much.
46. Opiniontainment.
47. Paleo people didn’t eat meat. They ate bone marrow, and only rarely.
48. Physics and most of biology are just opinions that will change every few years.
49. To make someone happy: tell them they can have what they want, tell them it’s not their fault they don’t have it, blame someone else, then you can persuade them of what you want (e.g. see “Trump”)
50. There is always the good reason and then there is the real reason (e.g. excuses a teenager will give you. excuses an employee will give you).
51. If someone can’t answer a question they are lying (“where were you last night?” “I was out with friends” is not an answer.)
52. 1% compounded every day is 3700% in a year. Figure out the 1% you want to improve on every day.

Learning to say 'No'

Learning to say 'No'
The only way to 'learn to say No' is to understand why we end up saying 'yes'. Rather than being told a dozen tools and techniques.

Learning to stand up for yourself
I can start off on 10 steps, but that's useless. First, what do we mean by "standing up for myself"? What if I am WRONG? Then standing up for myself would just mean stubbornness! We might say "standing up for what is right" But that's again MY opinion. Especially when the other person thinks I am wrong anyway! So is it about forming an opinion and sticking to it no matter what? Seems weird. And it is. And hence it's difficult. Because most of the times, we are not sure if we should be standing up or giving in!!! That lack of clarity makes us shaky. And it should!

A better approach would be: "Standing up for the truth". But then once you know something is true, it stays true regardless whether you 'stand up for it' or not. That wipes off half of our self-righteous movies and stories, but it's a fact! Truth just IS. Whether we will accept or deny it is a choice. 

So the best approach is: "No matter what, I will FIND OUT what's true"
Once you do, you do not NEED to be told what to do next. It's obvious. 

When somebody asks you something, the following questions help:

• Can I do it?
• Do I WANT to do it?
• Am I AFRAID to say 'No'?
• Am I afraid of what he might think about me?
• Is that TRUE?
• What is true? (Not 'what is right?')
• Will me not saying it out aloud makes it any less true?
• Will me saying it out cause discomfort?
• Is that discomfort better than the regret later?
• Will the truth be helpful to both?
• How can I say it causing the least amount of discomfort to both?

It becomes easier!!
Slowly as you start speaking your mind, you realize it's easier than you thought. People also feel easier around you because they do not have to worry about what you are feeling. People that only tried to take advantage of you gradually start dropping away. And your new found health perceives that as a GOOD thing. You are happier. 

What advice would you give to your 22 year old self?

To the 22 years old :

• Take a closer look at your parents, you don’t need to fight alone. Even though they have very different beliefs and perspectives with you, they’re still there for you no matter what. Appreciate them.
• That girl is not for you. You might think she’s the prettiest in this world, that’s because you’re deeply in love. You choose to bury your rational mind and convince yourself she’s the one, you believe you can change her, but deep down, you know she’s not the one for you.
• Freedom is overrated. Understand constraints, learn how to deal with them and use them as your advantages. The Internet and some salesman want you to believe you can have it all before 23, but you can’t.
• Get a job. Just because Mark Zuckerberg build Facebook when he was 20 doesn’t mean you should/could too. At least, learn to put food on your table first.
• Happiness comes from within. Stop seeking for external stuff and think it’s going to make yourself happier. That luxury item may excite you, but excitements never last.
• Please stop comparing. You’ve learned not to complain since 16, but what you didn’t learn is you shouldn’t compare. It’s unfair, you’re evaluating your worst based on others’ best. So stop that.
• Hustle harder brings you nowhere if your direction is wrong. I know you aren’t born rich, but seriously… money is not everything in life. Never get blinded by it, get your vision clear.
• Money is the results of success, not the cause of success. Choose a group of people and focus on serving them well instead. Don’t dabble, opt for mastery.
• Buying a lot of books means nothing, read them. Reading lot of books means nothing too, apply them.
• If it’s too good to be true, it probably is. You can’t make $1,739 in 7 days on the Internet.
• You’re just 22. Never live in a hurry. You only live once, enjoy it instead. Life is a marathon, not a race.

But life is about balance, there are always two sides to every coin. I fairly enjoy the journey with a lot of ups and downs, and extremely grateful for the experiences I went through regardless it was good or bad.

What do you do to motivate yourself when you are about to give up?

For me, it works all the time:

If I am tired, I have a look at this:

If I am just sad, I look at this:

And finally, if I need an extra boost, I look at this one:

Instant relief.

Now look again at the first one...

Why does it work for me?

The first image evokes a sense of duty. A duty not only to others but to myself, to keep moving forward, keep pushing a little more, fiercely, to never quit or settle and to avoid wasting my time and energy with unnecessary complains or excuses, from myself or from others.

The second image resonates deeply in my mind because it helped me overcome a depression episode. I made a promise to myself that whenever I felt like getting unecessarily sad, unmotivated or with a weak self esteem I would jump right out of this negative cycle, cold turkey, bluntly, no matter what. I even dress a little sharper sometimes, or do some power posing in the toilet, or reward myself with something nice, when possible.

The third one is paramount to me because it reminds me that no one has the power to make me feel like I don't deserve what I honestly think I do. It's not a matter of stubbornness or trying to prove some personal point. Nothing like that, but instead it's a commitment to myself that I will keep pursuing the achievement of my goals despite any external negativity towards myself. It's something like: "They said he is going to quit, he doesn't have what it takes, he is not strong enough.... But boy they were wrong!"