The only way to 'learn to say No' is to understand why we end up saying 'yes'. Rather than being told a dozen tools and techniques.
Learning to stand up for yourself
I can start off on 10 steps, but that's useless. First, what do we mean by "standing up for myself"? What if I am WRONG? Then standing up for myself would just mean stubbornness! We might say "standing up for what is right" But that's again MY opinion. Especially when the other person thinks I am wrong anyway! So is it about forming an opinion and sticking to it no matter what? Seems weird. And it is. And hence it's difficult. Because most of the times, we are not sure if we should be standing up or giving in!!! That lack of clarity makes us shaky. And it should!
A better approach would be: "Standing up for the truth". But then once you know something is true, it stays true regardless whether you 'stand up for it' or not. That wipes off half of our self-righteous movies and stories, but it's a fact! Truth just IS. Whether we will accept or deny it is a choice.
So the best approach is: "No matter what, I will FIND OUT what's true"
Once you do, you do not NEED to be told what to do next. It's obvious.
When somebody asks you something, the following questions help:
- Can I do it?
- Do I WANT to do it?
- Am I AFRAID to say 'No'?
- Am I afraid of what he might think about me?
- Is that TRUE?
- What is true? (Not 'what is right?')
- Will me not saying it out aloud makes it any less true?
- Will me saying it out cause discomfort?
- Is that discomfort better than the regret later?
- Will the truth be helpful to both?
- How can I say it causing the least amount of discomfort to both?
It becomes easier!!
Slowly as you start speaking your mind, you realize it's easier than you thought. People also feel easier around you because they do not have to worry about what you are feeling. People that only tried to take advantage of you gradually start dropping away. And your new found health perceives that as a GOOD thing. You are happier.
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